


Dictionary

by glass_owl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Niam - Freeform, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 04:07:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glass_owl/pseuds/glass_owl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Niall learns the meaning of words from experience and carries these words in his heart. It's a bit sad.</p><p> </p><p>My summaries are crap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dictionary

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiiii. Heh heh. Uhm, i guess i ship Liam with Zayn and Niall. Can't seem to choose which one is sweeter, but Zerrie's kinda sweet too so i dunno. :( Well have some niam :) Sorry if it's a bad fiction, and if i make people cry, i'm sorry too :(

Niall carries a dictionary in his heart. 

-

The first word Niall learns is ‘surprise’.

-

The laser pointers slice through the crowd, trailing comets of lights through the star struck crowd. The drums pulses out beats that sends blossoming throbs through his veins and Niall thinks he’s the luckiest guy on earth. Everything before his eyes swirls in a whirl of Technicolor and it triggers his nerves all over again.

His friends are bouncing along the stage with a kind of enthusiasm none of them can cap off; it’s the adrenaline that courses through their veins – an unstoppable influenza that sends them higher, higher, higher. In the dazzling spotlights and the flashing cameras, Niall watches as the crowds cheer – as they cheer for him, for Louis, for Harry, for Zayn and for Liam. _Liam._

Niall catches Liam’s eyes in a moment and sees the stars in them, a universe of unknown kindness and wonder. It’s the first time Niall feels his heart palpitate for a guy, no less Liam. Before the lights fade out, and the music wavers clean, Liam flashes him a smile. And Niall knows he’s head over heels for the guy with unruly hair. He’s just so utterly surprised with all these feelings suddenly unleashed.

-

Niall learns ‘shock’ next.

-

The setting is the same; the flashing lights and the swirling sounds that just drown out all his thoughts. Niall does it almost every night – singing till his throat is hoarse and aching for water. But it’s okay, Niall thinks it’s fine, because for every little price he pays, he gets much more in return. It’s the small price he pays for all the fine things in life; he knows he’s had it easy.

The familiar music slowly filters in, a bridge to the next song, and Niall readies himself for the verse he’s about to sing. It’s a different thing on stage; they mix and match their solos together, and if Niall’s lucky, he gets first verse. If he’s even luckier, he gets the first verses that Liam sings on audio. Niall is happy.

But this time, some things change. The music blares on the titanium speakers, and Niall feels the floor vibrate. There’s Niall’s cue to start his solo, and he does. His voice is pure and keeps its slight nasal effect on as it soars and glides through each note. Niall doesn’t make it through the whole verse before he hears screams and cries and shouts, and people are just gasping and calling “Liam, Liam Liam” over and over again.

Niall is shocked beyond compare as he watches the one man that shines so bright in his life keel over. 

-

Niall is taught ‘fear’.

-

He smells the disinfectant on them as they crowd around the fallen Liam. The candy stripers that tagged along in the ambulance stand aside awkwardly because they don’t know what to do. Niall wants to kick them for standing so near Liam, and yet he wants to push them closer to the crowd of doctors to make them see, make them watch, make them help. Make them do something.

The doctors pile Liam onto a stretcher. Liam’s not unconscious but he writhes in pain, all the suffering and pain portrays in his hazel eyes. Niall thinks that beautiful eyes should never hold emotions so dark and agonizing. 

He makes a grab for Liam’s hand but lets go almost immediately. Liam’s hand is clammy, his fingers are heated but cold all over at the same time and Niall doesn’t know what to make of it. 

The ambulance drives out of sight with the sirens out on maximum volume, screaming for people to make way; make way because there’s a fallen idol in the back, strapped down to a stretcher. Or so Niall thinks. He’s left standing on the sidewalk while Paul piles the other boys into his personal car. It takes him a moment to snap out of his reverie, and when he does, Zayn is rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hand.

Niall lets Zayn pull him over to Paul’s car; he’s too scared to move on his own.

-

He thinks he understands ‘regret’ now.

-

Niall curls into himself on the car ride to the hospital. His fingers are aching for a familiar warmth, and that pained look is all he can see in his mind.

Niall regrets letting go of Liam’s hand.

-

Niall learns that such a word called ‘sarcoma’ exists.

-

The boys are out in the waiting room and Niall’s biting his nails. It’s a habit he’s in the process of kicking, only because Louis keeps telling him off. Zayn had once suggested using transparent nail polish to prevent him from chewing on his nails, but Niall had waved it off. He’s glad he did though, because nothing soothes his nerves more than his nails between his teeth. It’s gross, but it’s all he has now. It’s an integral part of him. Niall’s glad he has ten fingers because right now, it means he has ten nails to chew on and ruin.

The doctor is wearing a white lab coat that looks flush and cream against the even whiter walls. He’s wearing one of those lab goggles which Niall used to use in chemistry class – suddenly he’s not sure whether he’s taking chemistry lessons or at the hospital.

The man is balding, and the glaring light shines off his head. Niall fights the urge to laugh. He knows it’ll sound dry and hoarse, and so full of sarcasm. It’s not in his blood to hurt people.

The doctor says Liam has sarcoma – cardiac sarcoma in fact. The words seem to roll of the doctor’s tongue like a language he’s accustomed to saying, and Niall thinks that in some way, this is true. A doctor carries a dictionary of language all to himself, hidden from the rest of the world. And it’s full of terminologies that no one wants to know or hear or learn about. Doctors are kind of like warriors, Niall relinquishes. They take the hardy tasks; they save people’s lives.

Niall looks around him, because he’s not sure whether ‘cardiac sarcoma’ is a good or bad thing. He’s learned enough to know that cardiac is the biological equivalent to the heart, but he has never heard of sarcoma before. He gauges the facial expression of those around him; Louis’ eyebrows are furrowed in deep thought, his lips set in a deep, firm line. Harry draws a total blank, his eyes hardened, the windows to his soul locked. But Zayn, Zayn tells a different story. The colour drains from his face like wet pain in the rain, his skin turns a shade of sickly pale tan, and the tattoos are more prominent, like carvings in a stone. They stand out, the etchings of forever, black ink on sandy skin. It was too much to look at.

When the doctor goes, Zayn retreats into himself. Harry leans into Louis, finding comfort, drawing love from a firm base. Niall hates them; hates them for having it easy; hates them for having each other. And then he begins to cry a bit, because he doesn’t hate them, and he knows they don’t have it easy.

With tears in his eyes, Niall taps onto his 3G mobile phone and accesses the net. He searches up ‘sarcoma’ and a thousand pages churn out. He browses through Wikipedia because that’s the only site he knows of. 

Sarcoma is a tumour that grows and clogs. Sarcoma for Liam is cancer of the veins – the veins connected to his heart.

Niall cries and cries and cries.

-

Niall realizes the true definition of ‘anger’.

-

Niall is aware of every price he pays. It’s always a small price, Niall thinks. He’s lost his voice and given sore throats in exchange for seas of fans and performing at outrageous arenas. 

He’s blinded with fury, as red clouds his vision, his sight growing white hot in anger and hate. He wants to smash something, destroy it with all the broiling fury in his soul, he wants to hate and scream and cry. Because for once the price was too much to pay, and as cliché as it seems, Niall wasn’t going to give Liam up even if it meant losing everything he’s given.

For the first time in his life, Niall feels like he truly understands what it means to be angry.

-

Niall adapts to the meaning of ‘relief’.

-

The first time he’s allowed to see Liam, Niall can’t explain the strange serenity that washes down his being. His nerves tingle with the odd pinprick feeling of pins and needles; he can’t feel the world around him and he thinks he’s good like this. Niall believes that he’s locked up all his emotions in a cage. 

But he soon realizes that that is not the case. It’s relief down to the bones, because Niall has never felt so elated to see someone again. To know that Liam is indeed still alive, and can see them, can see _him_ , it makes Niall light headed and as if everything will be alright.  
He likes the feeling of relief. It’s feels great when you get results that you have been hoping for and don’t expect. Honestly, Niall thought he had lost Liam forever when he watched Liam crumble on stage.

-

It takes a while, but Niall understands ‘luck’ a lot better now.

-

It’s nothing short of a miracle to see Liam alive. All the boys curl around the fallen member, holding his hand, touching his face, caressing his skin. The boys smother affection all over Liam, and Liam smiles weakly, eyes crinkling beautifully at the corners as his hazel eyes drinks in the image of his best friends. It feels like ages since they’ve seen Liam, because he has aged. His face is more somber, his skin turns to paper – it’s white and so fragile, easily broken. 

Niall thanks his lucky stars until he sees Liam’s head. 

There’s no hair.

Chemo does that, Liam says. And he smiles almost shyly. Niall instantly feels bad about laughing at the doctor. But to Niall, Liam is still beautiful anyway - always will be. 

Niall can’t understand whether chemo is a good thing or not. It plays with Liam’s moods and body and it wrecks the Wolverhampton boy all over. Liam hurts in some place sometimes, and he has a bucket to vomit in after every session. His moods take a millrun and go bipolar like an oscillating pendulum; one minute he’s absolutely happy, the next he’s mulling over and just being depressed. On other days, he’s scowls and refuses to talk. It breaks Niall’s heart. 

During the one time Niall visits Liam alone right after chemo, Liam was being in one of his sour moods, where he just frowns and huffs at everything Niall does. It’s only ten minutes before Niall’s patience blows, and before the two of them knows it, they are having a full blown argument in the room. 

The machines start to beep wildly as Liam’s blood pressure begins to rise, and Liam’s veins can only hold so much. His tumour had been removed as best as it could have been, and chemo keeps the growth rates steady, but the doctors don’t deny that it’s spreading. Liam’s veins are weak, and the fight is going to kill him. 

When the hoards of doctors rush in, and a nurse ushers him out, Niall feels the sting of tears in his eyes.

He finally realizes the fickleness of luck.

-

Niall is overwhelmed by the definition of ‘forgiveness’. 

-

He brings flowers the next time he visits. It’s just been a week after his argument with Liam, and his heart throbs dully whenever he revisits the memory. He wants to make it up to Liam. 

Niall buys a bouquet, and willing burns 50 bucks for flowers that won’t last. But he’s giving them to someone who will, so the price doesn’t matter. Or that’s how Niall decides to persuade himself. After a while, he’s not sure whether he’s consoling himself over the price of the flowers or the sarcoma that feeds on Liam’s veins. He’s disgusted with himself at this point.

When Niall meets Liam, Liam is awake. And Liam is the first to apologise. Liam says he’s sorry for being mean, he’s sorry for being harsh, and picky and rotten when everyone’s doing their best to keep him alive. Niall feels spoilt, and horrible and all he wants to do is kiss those pink lips that still retain some lushness despite all that has happened. 

He places the bouquet on the tableside, the flowers jut out in all directions and Niall almost pokes his eyes thrice. There are sunflowers, roses, lilies, daisies, tulips and cornflowers, the colours clash almost painfully, but Liam thinks they’re beautiful anyway.

Sometime through Niall’s visitation, conversation over Liam’s hair crops up.

“I like it like this,” Liam says, “always wanted to know what it would be like completely bald. A buzz cut isn’t quite the same.”

And then Liam smiles at him, that perfect megawatt smile that just makes Niall dizzy with upsurges of affection. Niall thinks, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful – a mantra on replay in his head. Liam can never be anything less than beautiful, and Niall knows that with that smile came forgiveness. He’s a bit ashamed because he never apologized to Liam, but Liam forgives him anyway. 

-

Niall adds ‘cherish’ to his word bank.

-

The third time Niall visits alone, he sits next to Liam’s bed and they talk about nonsense until they think there’s no more nonsense to talk about. It takes Niall by surprise when Liam starts to talk sadly about the wilting bouquet by the bedside. It has been another week since the bouquet, and the flowers are past their prime. It’s time for them to go.

Liam claims he’s never taken care of them, that’s why they’re dying; that’s why the nurses insist that they have to throw it out soon. He requests for Niall to bring the vase of flowers over, and when Niall does, Liam touches every single flower there is. He ghosts his fingers over the rose petals, tickles his palms with the cornflowers, caresses the tulips and fingers all the other flowers. 

Liam’s holding a wilting daisy between his fingers, before he speaks.

“Ninety,” Liam says and then he begins to cry. 

Niall’s not sure what’s happening until Liam spits, “I have ninety days tops to live.” 

Everything crumbles around Niall, and he watches as Liam hugs the daisy close to his chest, tears spilling out from the eyes of breathtaking hazel depths. 

Niall hates maths, and he hates numbers even more now. He takes Liam’s shaking hands in his and he squeezes tight. He’s so scared to lose what hasn’t had a chance to be his. And he knows he has to cherish everyday from now on, because Liam’s going and he’s not coming back.

-

It was with great joy that Niall learns ‘love’.

-

He’s got the calendar marked down; everyday he crosses off a new date. Niall keeps track of those ninety days, and he watches as Liam keeps going strong. He keeps this little flame of hope in his chest that Liam would make a miracle happen, that he’ll outlive the remaining 20 timed days left. 

He’s in Liam’s unit, just sitting there as Liam stares up at the fan. Sometime during the past 70 days, holding hands has become a common thing for them. They’re not the slightest bit put off by it or by the fact that people outside are watching. Niall can’t care less, he’s mesmerized by the fact that their hands fit perfectly together. Puzzle pieces, he thinks.

He imagines a future where they perform on stage again, and this time their hands are linked – a future where they flash each other affectionate smiles only meant for one another. A secret code only they can decipher.

“Does it hurt?” Niall asks quietly.

“Not as much, babe.”

Niall swallows. 

“Do you think you’ll make it past ninety?”

“Mmm. Good question. I hope so.”

Liam’s smiling up at the ceiling as he replies, there’s a world of understanding that puzzles Niall. Suddenly Liam has his eyes on Niall and he says ever so softly, “I’m not going to last forever, Niall. One day, I’ll disappear, and one day, everyone will move on. But that’s okay, because I’ve done almost everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“Almost…?” Niall questions, the tears sting his eyes and his throat constricts. He’s having difficulties breathing, and he knows the air is fine.

“Well, I never got to marry. Ha.”

A silence elapses before Liam speaks again.

“Thanks, Niall. For everything. It’s an awkward place to say it, but you know, I love you, babe.”

Niall’s not sure what happens next, but he knows he’s kissing Liam and he knows it’s wet and sloppy. The tears are mixed into the kiss, salty, unfamiliar and carrying an essence of extreme sadness. It’s not what he imagines, but it’s better than nothing and as powerful as his wildest dreams.

For Liam, the kiss is as good as a wedding.

-

Niall’s last word is ‘pain’.

-

And in the end, Niall learns so much about pain. Or maybe it was just Payne.


End file.
